第22讲 自尊与自我实现

Unconditional self-esteem is the highest level, the level that Maslow would talk about “the self-actualization”, what David Schnarch talks about as “differentiated” or at the level of being known rather than desiring to be validated.
Unconditional self-esteem is when our self-esteem is high enough, we feel good enough about ourselves, not to be concerned with evaluations with others or even with self evaluations. In terms of comparision, we don’t compare, we are inter-dependent, connected to others.

People with high levels of self-esteem are modest.
You don’t have the need to show off.
arrogance, narcissim is exact opposite of self-esteem
hubris, foolish pride is the exact opposite of what a true sense of self is

Francis Bacon:
“Modesty is but another form of setentation”

You get to this level of modesty by being authentic, by being real.

Why is important to be independent, why is that we should strive for this evolution?
It is important to cultivate independence as a way to cultivate interdependence.

1. because of moral behavior
   I’m not good enough as I am. In order to prove how good I am, I have to compare myself to another.
   It’s about relative competence.
   When we cultivate self-love, when cultivate self-esteem, that’s when we are most likely to be empathtic and to love others.
   We are the standard of how we evaluate others, because our hehavior toward others very often mirrors our hehavior toward ourselves.
   So people cultivating independent sense of self, who have a strong self identity are better able to identify with others.
2. better cogintive performance
   Person with independent self-esteem is committed to continuous learning
3. level of happiness are higher
   We are much calmer when we don’t constantly have to prove ourselves to others. It is enervating to constantly be on the guard.
   to just be, to exist, to celebrate our existence and the existence as a whole

Some study about the paradox of self-esteem:

1. Kernis: self-esteem stability
   

self-esteem stability that determined whether or not the person would be hostile or benevolent

DSE/ISE was associate with stability:
very high correlation between dependent self-esteem and self-esteem instability, postive correlation
a postive correlation between independent self-esteem and self-esteem stability

narcissim is connected actually to high dependent self-esteem
there was no correlation between independent self-esteem and narcissim
people with independence self-esteem were actually more generous and benevolent both in terms of self report and in terms of their actual behavior toward other people.
no correlation between self-esteem and hostility, but dependent and independent self-esteem predict hostility
connection betwen perfectionism and self-esteem, people with high independent self-esteem were less likely to be perfectionistic.
applied to relationship:
well-differentiated peope can agree without feeling like they’re losing themselves and can disagree without feeling alienated and embittered.
This is what being known is all about, being yourself, being differentiated, this is what independent self-esteem is, this is what ultimately interdependence is all about.

Being more self-actualized, of expediting the process, it means that right now right here we are able to experience that sense of being much more often.

ABC of change:
Affect, Behavior, Cognition
the most effective approach to change is the B.
a model how attitudes change behavior and in turn behavior change attitudes
self-perception theory:
If I want to be high self-esteem, I need to behave like a person with high self-esteem behaves.
Because self-esteem is simply an attitude. It’s the attitude I have toward the self. It’s the I evaluating the me.
Which is why it’s so important to have role models.
integrate that aggregates of role models so that we can behave and overtime achieve that attitude

how to enhance self-esteem:

1. people with high independent self-esteem generally clamer.
   So independent self-esteem is the attitude, calm is the behavior, which also means that people who behave calmly will increase over time their independent self-esteem.
   physical exercise induces calm

an exercise:
ask yourself what would you do in such a world where no one would know what I was doing
（遵从内心并结合现实）
2. who have high independent self-esteem pursue their passions, people who pursue their passions enjoy higher level of self-esteem.

3. people with high independent self-esteem put themselves on the line.
   They cope, they stretch themselves constantly. Because they are always about learning and growing, improving, making more of difference, touching more people.
   And people who cope (self-perception theory) over time, will enjoy higher levels of independence self-esteem.
   Even if they fall while doing it.
   And their independent self-esteem strengthens over time.

4. Humble behavior, genuine humble behavior
   Those who chase honor, honor will run away from them, those who run away from honor, honor will chase them.

5. Simplifying
   Daniel Gilbert, cognitive dizziness:
   People behave very differently when they are cognitively busy, when they are in a hurry versus when they have time, they can focus on whatever it is that they are doing.
   Time Kasser, time affluence:

-first stage: where we don’t have time, we are in a hurry, we are rushed, our reaction is automatic.
This the the part where we conform.

• second stage: don’t need to wait for a long time.
  At this moment, if we take the time, because when we take the time, that’s when we engage in deliberate reflection, combining reflection and action, where we think about what we do, we think about what we think.
  We take our time.
  This is where self is autonomous, this is where the independent self-esteem emerges, when we have the time.
  That’s where we are much less likely to conform.
  That’s when we are cultivating and expressing our independent core self.

Milgram’s experiment:
They paid a price of losing themselves.
And this is what happens to us in modern life, not with such dire consequences potentially could have been with Milgram, and we are not doing immoral things as the cases with obedience to authority.
But we are hurting ourselves very often, because we are running around and we are conforming and we are doing what they think we should do, we are doing what that voice or voices are telling us to do.
We are not doing what we are meant to be doing.

6. Integrity.
   No lies, be fully integrated, be fully honest.
   DePaulo:
   Basically everyone lies, many times little lies, intended to impress others, many times, bigger lies.
   People lie in average 3 times a day.

Honesty pays.
we pay a high psychological and emotional price whenever we lie, whenever we cheat, whenever we are dishonest.

DePaulo’s exercise:
have people evaluate their conversations for honest or dishonest content right after it finishes, so when it’s still fresh in their mind what they talk about.
So they keep a jouney which is completely anonymous.

When we are telling the truth, the message that we communicate to ourselves is that my words are worthy, my words are important, I matter.
And when we don’t do that, when we tell lies or about impressing constantly. We are saying “I’m not good enough as I am. I need to be someone else so that the other person likes”.
instead of being authentic and real, instead of being known rather than validated, and doing it and being conscious for a week at a time until behavior changes our attitude and I begin to value my words much more.
when I communicate myself who I am rether than trying to impress others.
when I assert myself, when I say no at times, so that I can simplify my life a little bit.
when I say yes when it’s appropriate even it’s not the most popular yes in the world, but it’s right for me.
And it’s about expanding it in time as well as in space.
We are ourselves and expanding it from our journal which makes us feel good to close relationships, to others.
from doing it one day one conversation at a time to a week of Integrity treatment so to speak to lifelong.